What’s a girl to do?

Before the 5k run I had somewhat of a breakdown. “Another one?” you may say, and I guess that would be fair enough… anyway moving on, I broke down, filled with doubt, filled with self-loathing and for the first time I felt like slapping myself around the face a few times before wrapping myself in bubble wrap and giving up. But I did not want to give up, so instead I took to verbally abusing myself, drill sergeant style. Yes Sir!

Some said I was being too hard on myself, and yes I guess it would have appeared to be so, but I could not shake the feeling in my head that if I truly was being 'so hard on myself' that I would look anorexic by now and would be running 5k no problem… or perhaps collapsing 1k into the 5k run because I am anorexic… I could ponder this matter for hours. However, as it stands I have been training for 4 months now (not including stoppage time due to injuries) and lost a total of 5 kilos on a good day and 3 kilos on a bloated day.

I wish I could say that I see a drastic difference in my body, but although I definitely feel a difference in my legs and arms, my middle section seems as big as ever and my jeans sit the same… In fact as my legs and arms have shrunk I feel like I am beginning to look not too dissimilar from Violet Beauregarde when she turns into a blueberry. And with how bloated I have been feeling lately a good juicing might actually do me good! Ok perhaps more like an Umpa Lumpa then!

You may think me vain, but this is not vanity talking. This is a need to be able to get up that hill without my legs cursing me with every step because I am carrying to heavy a load on top of them. At the beginning I kept telling myself, “The more you persist, the more weight you will lose and the easier it will become.” But 4 months on it I see little change in ease or weight. Am I really being too hard on myself?

After breaking down to my sister we discovered 2 things.

1. We do not stretch enough
2. 30 to 40 minutes of running 5 times a week may not be enough

Bearing this in mind we approached our next run with a serious stretching session beforehand. Fifteen minutes of stretching followed by ten minutes walking and then a little final stretch before running, and the result? The result was a big improvement! And I finished the run with far more energy than I had prior to the 3k run. Success!

But a week on and the weight has stayed exactly the same.

(sigh)

So what am I to do? Maybe just running is not enough. I guess if I really want to change my life I have to see this all for what it is… A life change. So what if I spend more of my life in my trainers than in heals! I haven’t really worn heals for years anyway. So what if I see my trainer and running buddies more than my friends. I can get new friends! Or my current friends can jump on the train and join me! Either way I cannot cope with another 4 months of the same. We have 9 months until we aim to run the full marathon and there is no way I am going to be the same weight now for that! “Hello Heart Attack!!!!”

In order to get my head around my new time schedule I wrote a list of things I have to do every week and how often I need to do them in order to be working towards my goal.

To Do

1. Sit ups every morning (as many as you can building up weekly)
2. Scheduled Run (5 times a week)
3. Personal Training Session including weight training (Once a week – I have 6 sessions left)
4. Yoga – (Once a week – for spiritual relaxation, stretching and toning the body)
5. Contact Nutrition friend for an emergency powwow and solve this mystery
6. Contact Mentor and see if maybe I am ready to trail behind her running
7. Find the joy in running again!! Might require fixing Ipod.

So far I have done sit ups every other morning (since Sunday), and contacted my Nutritionist friend and Mentor, but have as yet to book a day to run together… So much to do!!!

Week (what week are we on?) The Results

Weight: 94.3 kilos

So I ran 3 times last week and lost 0.2 kilos. On average it is pretty average. Not too happy with myself and feeling sick again, so I am having a sulk. Ok well at least the scales went down. Some small consilation at the moment...

Neglected

I know it has been a week since I have written and I would like to apologise for my neglect. It seems that not only am I struggling with the discipline of running, but I am also struggling with the discipline of writing about my training everyday. The truth is I do have the time, I have just chosen to spend it sat on a sofa watching movies, but no more… I will not neglect you again.

So instead of going back and playing catch up, I am giving you now a week a review:

Thursday 6 December 2007

Knowing that I had no time in the evening to run, I decided to get up early in the morning and do my run then. Going to the gym at 6.30am is a funny thing as the place is dead, the girls on reception usually so perky are croaky and quiet, and there are 50 free treadmills to choose from. After a decent night sleep the run was ok, but my limbs are not quite up for running in the morning. I think they prefer a full day’s warm up before hitting the pavement.

Friday 7 December 2007

Again I decided to give the morning running thing another go. They do say that running in the morning is the best, but my body just does not agree with the sentiment and after getting half way through the workout I had to settle on speed walking instead of running.

Saturday 8 December 2007

I took Saturday as one of my days off this week and enjoyed a relaxing weekend with the family. However, I noticed that my right ankle was swollen and had a large bruise on it. Time to put your feet up and relax. I just hope that the swelling goes down by Sunday. Big run on Sunday.

Sunday 9 December 2007 – Weigh In

So again I did not lose any weight this week. Yes it is a bit annoying, yes I feel somewhat frustrated, but I am not deterred. After all, am I doing this to be able to run a marathon, losing weight is not really the aim, although the more weight I lose the easier the runs will be. In any event there is little more I can do about it. I mean I am sticking to the workouts, sticking to the diet, so what more does the god of the scales want from me?

Today was a big day in our running schedule. Today we were running for almost the entire 30 minutes, only walking for 1 minute every 5 minutes. We were nervous, but excited and promised ourselves that we would give it our very best shot, but not give up on ourselves if we extended one or two of the walking times in between. Sadly we just did not get that far. Half way into the run I was feeling tired and my ankle started to ache. I carried on and tried to run through it, but as I stepped onto my foot to begin the 4^th repetition my ankle gave way and I almost fell in pain. We walked a little more and, determined to finish the run, I tried to run again, but by this stage it was painful to put any pressure on my foot and I had to give up.

I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes again, my face flushed red with disappointment and I lowered my head in shame. Another run this week that I could not finish.

“You are not crying!”

It was my sister

“I am serious you are not crying! You hurt your ankle, you are not going to try running on it again and you are not going to cry about it. It happens, it sucks, but we will do this, even if we have to do the week over again.”

I just don’t want to do the week over again

“Well at least this is all happening now.”

What if it happens during the marathon?

“Well then I will let you cry.”

Monday 10 December 2007

A very much needed Rest Day

Tuesday 11 December 2007

Knowing that I could not run I decided to head to the gym anyway and use this time to work on my weights and do other cardio that did not put so much pressure on my ankle.

I did 30 minutes on the Elliptical trainer, followed by a series of weights and exercises and then finished up by session with 30 minutes on the bike. I felt pumped and happy as I walked home. Yes my ankle still hurts, but I am not going to let it get me down. It isn’t broken, so it is not like I am going to be out of action for 6 weeks. 1 week tops and I will be back to normal and can start the week again. Only annoying part is that the training schedule originally finished before New Year. Now it looks like I am going to be spending New Years t-total and training. I guess it’s all about dedication… and “dedication’s what you need” so said Roy Castle.

Wednesday 12 December 2007

So I did something stupid today. I was running late for an appointment after work and so even though my ankle was sore I walk fast and hard the 20 minute walk that I needed to reach in 10 minutes. I was supposed to meet a friend at the gym afterwards, but after I got home and got undressed for the gym I saw how swollen my ankle had become and the pain was throbbing through my leg. There was no way I was going to run, cycle or walk on this thing tonight. Instead I decided to swap my rest days and give myself another day off my foot.

Do I feel like I am slacking off? Yes. Do I feel like a hypochondriac? Yes. Am I disappointed in myself? Yes

But so help you if you tell me I am slacking off! You try running on a bruised and swollen ankle and then tell me I am slacking off!

(Deep Breath)

Week 4 – The Results

Weight: 94.5 kilos


Yup, nothing changes. My weight stayed exactly the same and the truth is to me it is like water off a ducks back. Well how could I feel down when I am now running more than I am walking? Yes you read correctly. We have now entered the second part of our training program that takes us from running and walking an equal amount of time to running for the full 30 minutes and then on to 2 miles. So how can I be blue about a few kilos when I can see true progress being made in my running distance and ability? Besides my tight jeans are now no longer tight; in fact they are pretty loose around my legs and bottom.

The thing bothering me at the moment is the reason that I am doing this. I mean I never talk about colon cancer in my blog, so how can I be spreading awareness when I am not talking about it. Even my dad is telling perfect strangers that his two daughters are running a marathon to lose weight!

So how do I change this gross misrepresentation of my intentions and my goal for this run? Well I could get in contact with my local Colo-rectal cancer society, but try as I may I cannot find one. It got me thinking…

When my friends go travelling they do their research. How? They get themselves a copy of the Rough Guide to the country they are planning on going to, they go and look on the Lonely Planet website and find people with the travel bug like themselves. They can even search the country and find many links to local guides and information about the country. But someone with cancer trying to find out information… well where do they go?

When I Googled Colon Cancer I got the general information about the Cancer, the causes, the symptoms, the treatments, but there is no section on ‘I have colon cancer so what should I do now?’ The truth is the more I read the more I realise that the experts have no clear answer to that question as more and more research is done on the disease and newer and newer treatments are emerging.

This is both positive and worrying to me as in there are clearly developments being made, but what is happening now on the ground for people battling it now? Where is the Rough Guide to dealing with Cancer?

On my run I thought about what it would be like if there was a central website that connected all continents, all forms of cancer and all those who suffer with it. I am now wondering if and how I could make this happen…

Week 3 - The Results

Weight: 94.5 kilos

I lost two kilos this week, so all those who saw me and said, “Wow Channah you are looking thin!” you were right. Although it means slightly less to me this time around. I remember how excited I was the second weigh in when I saw I had lost 1.6 kilos and I remember how gutted I was the week after when I put on 1.1 kilos. This week I looked at the scales and simply saw a number. I think I was pretty indifferent to it, or at least no way near as excited as when I managed to finish the 4 minute run routine yesterday. It is just weight. It is not really what I am working towards, although it is a nice cherry on the cake.

It especially so as I can really feel in every run how much additional weight I am carrying around. With every step I think to myself how much easier it would be if I was not schlepping around at least 20 bags of sugar around with me. I walk next to my sister, run in the gym next to a slim and toned girl, and all I can think to myself is, 'Yeah I could do that too without working up a sweat if I dropped a few pounds.' I am not being bitter. I have no one to blame for this state of affairs other than myself, and I accept that. I so too accept that it takes time and what I am doing by definition will help the pounds fall off and in turn help me run quicker and for longer.

It is a long process. There are going to be many hurdles ahead, but I am ready to face them one by one and so too feel the benefits of the weight dropping off kilo by kilo.

Two weeks ago I went to a friend’s house to catch up with the girls, and as I left after a night of drinking water while they drank wine my hostess turned to me and said, “Channah I am so shocked and impressed. I’ll be honest; I never thought you would make it past the first week.” I laughed and was so amused at the truth of her statement and thought to myself, ‘Damn I should have made bets! I could be raking in the cash!’ Now I am so sure that I am going to finish this thing. I admit in the beginning, I was filled with self-doubt and fear, but now I know I have nothing to fear… I have the greatest friends and family supporting my every step; I am running side by side with my sister who never lets me down and who I would never let down; and I now believe in myself. I believe that I can do this… and I cannot wait to get to the finish line!

Week 2 - The results

Weight: 96.6 kilos

(WARNING: Do not read if you are offended by the words ‘Constipated’, ‘Poo’, ‘Wind’ or words that relate to them)

I feel totally deflated. On top of the pain of my bloated stomach, I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. How could I have put on a kilo when I have been working so hard? It makes just no sense to me. The cruel hand of fate I mentioned last week certainly has had the last laugh, it is just so unfair. I worked my ass off, sticking to the program, constantly tweaking my diet with my nutritionist friend and to what end? A bloated stomach, a definite lack off pooing for 2 days and a weight gain of a kilo!

I tried to be happy for my sister’s weight loss, and I am happy for her, but as soon as I got on the scales all I could think about was the weight gain and how I was going to have to publish it on my ‘bloody blog’. My parents tried to say words of advice, “maybe you ate something wrong...” but I would not hear it. I had truly worked hard at this. You know when you have cheated, and I am sorry, but the small sized portion of desert I ate on Friday night which I had previously agreed with my nutritionist does not count as cheating!

Anyway, I had to shake it off because we had a run to do and Sunday is generally our toughest day. It is the day we take it up a notch and today we were upping our jogging time in our walk/jog routine of 30 minutes from 2 minutes to 3 minutes. On Saturday night we just completed the 2 minute routine with only slightly more ease than the day before, so we were both nervous about going up to 3 minutes. We made an agreement that we would give it our best shot for the first repetition and then if it became too hard we would reduce the time back to 2 or 2.5 minutes.

As we warmed up my sister gave me a pep talk to get me to shake off the blues of my weight gain.

DALYA: You know it could be muscle growth
ME: I know
DALYA: And you are bloated
ME: I am
DALYA: Come on Channah you know you are working at this. So what you had a set back are you just going to quit?
ME: HELL NO!!
DALYA: DAMN RIGHT!

And so with a fighting attitude we started our routine with the 5 minute walk, which we did faster than before, and moved into the first 3 minute run. I am not going to say that it was easy, because for sure it was not, but we ran together and our determination got us through the first rep. Into the second rep we maintained the fast pace of our first walk and then again completed the 3 minute run. We were pumped full of tenacity. Two more reps to go and we would be done. We could do this!

Into the third rep I knew I was tired and I knew that Dalya was tired, but we were determined. We were going to do this. But 2 minutes into the run my legs would not move any further. I felt like someone was stabbing my buttocks and despite my attempt to cry through the pain I simply could not go on. As we slowed down to a walk I did not feel defeat, I did not feel deflated as I did when I saw my weight on the scales. I felt angry. You know when a child has a screaming fit when they cannot have the toy they wanted. Imagine that child crying, wailing and sobbing. That was me. I carried on walking just as fast as the first walk, only I was holding my hips and crying like a baby.

Dalya turned to me and tried to comfort me, but I could not be touched. I was so embarrassed and yet I could not stop the tears. We carried on walking out the third rep and then made a final attempt to run the final rep. Again we only managed 2 minutes.

As we walked the cool down home I could not speak. I was so damn angry. The truth was I did not feel so tired. I could have run more, but my legs... my legs could not carry on and so I had to give in. I took deep breaths to try and quell the rage boiling inside me, but when I exhaled all I got was more tears.

DALYA: Talk to me
ME: I can’t

Dalya grabbed my hand and made me stop in the middle of the street and then my sister eight years my junior hugged me. It was a long hug and for a moment I forgot that we were stood on a main road with other walkers, joggers and cars passing by us wondering why two girls were hugging each other in running clothes.

DALYA: Why are you crying?
ME: Because it was bad enough that I put on weight, but you know this was never about the weight it was about doing this. And we could not even complete the 3 minute run.

DALYA: But we knew this before we started. We didn’t even think we would be able to do the first rep and we managed to do half the whole routine! And Channah you know that this time you walked faster that you ever did any of the times before and you kept a decent pace throughout all the jogs. I never had to slow down for you this time. You worked so hard this time and even if you are not proud of your workout today I am! I am proud of my workout today too!
ME: I know Dalya, but you don’t have to write about your failures in a blog.

DALYA: What failures? And who are you afraid of failing in front of? Your friends? This is not about your friends or our family being proud of you! That is not why you did this. Is it?
ME: No

DALYA: You did this for people who like you, never thought they would be able to do something like this. You did this to prove that if you can, then anyone can… Channah that is inspirational! You inspired me. I would not be doing this if it was not for you! We are all working at our goals because of you and you should feel good about that instead of feeling all this unnecessary pressure.
ME: I guess
DALYA: You guess?

I turned to her and smiled

ME: I guess if I can do it then really anyone can. But not everyone has you doing it with them Dalya.

To my darling sister Dalya: You are my inspiration! I don't know if I could do this if I did not have you by my side! If anyone in the Raánana area is looking for a personal trainer this girl will be fully trained in roughly a years time… at least she will be after having to deal with me!

Week 1 - The results

Weight: 95.5 kilos

So in terms of weight I did it. I lost 1.6 kilos this week, which works out at 3.5 pounds. I was so happy I near leapt off the scales onto my sister in joy. I had felt it over the last couple of days in my tight jeans which are getting less tight, but I half expected that by the usual cruel hand of fate it would have resulted in nothing. Thank goodness I was wrong.

To be honest I was pretty much looking forward to the weigh in. That was going to be the easy part. I was not, however, looking forward to the run. After Friday and the struggle to run a minute I was pretty resigned to the fact that I am not a runner and never would be, but I would still carry on because, well because of all of you. But then a funny thing happened. As we started to run (today was again 5 minutes walking and 1 minute jogging) I found that I could do it. I then realised that we were in fact running up hill and still I did not want to die. By the third round of running I realised, as I stretched my thighs out and connected with the road, that I was in fact running. I was not slowly jogging behind my sister today. I was running alongside her, even at times sprinting slightly to catch up with her and although it was certainly not easy it was not actually that hard.

I was buzzing so much at the end of the run that my sister and I did a celebratory high five before going home and doing 80 sit-ups. Watch this space… I might actually do this!