Sunday, May 10, 2009

Inner Strength

So tomorrow came and went, I apologise, and I ended up going to hospital with excruciating pains up and down my left leg that only seemed to get worse on a daily basis. After finding out that I had Lactic Acid on my muscle caused by not walking let alone running for some time before I stupidly decided to run up that hill, I broke down a wept for what felt like forever.

What is wrong with me? I should just quit. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I have let myself down and embarrassed myself in front of the world. I was ready to delete this blog and just pretend the whole thing had never happened. But then I would be a quitter.

The truth is I did this to myself. It is what I always do. I push too hard knowing in the back of my mind it will be my downfall and then I beat myself up about it for weeks after. My eagerness to actually reach my goal is stopping me from getting there and although I have only myself to blame, it is blaming myself all the time that seems to keep getting me in this position.

So what now? Now, as a wise man said, I have to walk before I can run. I go back to the drawing board. I walk walk walk and maybe after another ten kilos have been shed I will be able to run again. And when I do I will take it slow. I will start from the beginning, because as I said from the beginning of this blog, It is a marathon not a sprint.

Do I feel down? Of course I do. But this is real I guess. For those people who are still reading this tragic blog, it is the reality of a hard situation. Not everyone can simply wake up one morning, decide to run a marathon and then six months later cross the finish line and move onto the next challenge. For some of us it takes much much longer and involves a lot more inner strength to keep going.

And what gives me strength? Well the fact that since I began writing this blog a handful of people I know have started running and have either run or will be running a marathon next year. And for that I am proud. And I hope that one day, sooner that imagine I will be running again too!